When is Personality "Set"?

A prospective client wrote to me,

"I recently began learning about the Enneagram through coworkers. I strongly identify with my Two mentor, and test as a Two myself, although I am under the age of 25 and therefore understand my personality to not be quite "set" yet. Either way, it leads me to consider the popular nature vs. nurture question. My mother is a strong, religious One, and my dad is a Two. I feel like my childhood gave me lots of messages about people serving, and as a female, I get this message culturally anyway.

As I continue to consciously grow, how can I practice growing that both honors the things that have influenced me, as well as define my Self? It seems like a bigger question for a Two, or a Nine, for example, who may tend to take on many aspects of the people they are surrounded by. Can I utilize the Enneagram before my personality has stabilized? Will I be left with my truest self regardless of these aspects?"

This young woman misunderstood when the personality is "set." That happens quite young. David Daniels cited studies indicating that infants are born with one of three energies, easy, difficult, or slow to warm up. You can see, depending on the individual's life history, how these energies will each lead to one of three Enneagram styles (indicated also with terms from Karen Horney in parentheses):*

"Easy"-- moving toward people (compliant) =  1, 2, 6

"Difficult"-- moving against people (aggressive) = 3, 7, 8

"Slow to Warm Up"-- moving away from people (withdrawing) = 4, 5, 9

Consistent with studies of infant energies, many parents see evidence of Enneagram style in their children quite young, and certainly by the teen years. In fact, there are Enneagram programs for teens, and Elizabeth Wagele wrote a book specifically for young people..

In 2013, Ginger Lapid-Bogda wrote in The Enneagram in Business blog:

Even 10 years ago, the prevailing "wisdom" (really, more urban legend!) was that you could not use the Enneagram with people under 40 because they did not have sufficient life experience to "know who they are" ... Even more, it was thought to be unethical to use the Enneagram with children ... At the 2003 IEA Conference, we did a children's panel led by David Daniels, which was extremely controversial... after the fact, a huge success. I was fully aware that my then 10 year old son was using the Enneagram really well. It helped him understand himself as a type 3 and he was using it in several ways....

In fact, most Enneagram tests suggest you consider how you were in your early twenties when answering the questions, because we all loosen some of our programming as we mature and might be less of a fit for the patterns characteristic of a given point.

It's true, of course, that we can have an overlay of parents' Enneagram styles even if different from our own. Tom Condon teaches this, and doesn't limit the possibility to styles Two and Nine--although I think it could be true that Twos and Nines adopt those external qualities more readily.

Age 25 is not too early for deep personal work, and I suggested to the woman who posed the questions above that she observe all her urges toward service (which can show up for any Enneagram style), each time paying close attention to what triggered the urge, what she says to herself, how she feels both physically and emotionally, and how the service plays out. She'll find her real self as well as the automatic, programmed responses of style Two, or Nine, or perhaps another point.

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There is some disagreement among Enneagram teachers about the placement of Ones as either aggressive or complaint, and the placement of Sevens as either compliant or aggressive, I am convinced Sevens only appear to be "easy" and Ones only appear to be "difficult." When you explore deeper motivations, Sevens use humor, stories, and apparent lightheartedness to take over a situation. Likewise, Ones may appear to be "difficult" in their efforts to have things just so, but they're deeply motivated by wanting people to like them.